Dazed
by finkpishnets
Summary: Oneshot. Everyone is angsty, Remus stumbles over his words, and people finally realise that Sirius is insane. Remus/Sirius.


Well, it was about time I got around to writing a Remus/Sirius oneshot, and this is the final product. It was supposed to be angsty and sexy and full of all things naughty, but ended up being amusing, insane and entirely fluffy. Hope you enjoy, and feedback would be great!

**Title**: Dazed

**Author**: SpikesDreamer (aka finkpishnets)

**Rating**: PG13

**Warnings**: Slash. Also slight teensy mentions of self-pleasure and petting.

**Notes**: Also posted on the remusxsirius community at livejournal.

It was amazing how the wizarding world could have such blinding prejudices against werewolves, giants and muggles and yet no one batted an eyelid over the issue of homosexuality. Of course nobody freely _spoke _about it in _public_, but it was widely known that almost all of the pureblooded wizarding community had 'experimented'. Sex was simply sex to them and as long as there was still pleasure, still a thrill involved then it didn't matter who your partner was.

Knowing that he was not, therefore, _strange_ in some way made Sirius Black feel rather relieved. The fact that even the Minister of Magic had been caught shamelessly romping around with the occasional male secretary made the heat in Sirius' cheeks cool a little. Knowing that his parents themselves had hosted many a party for exactly this sort of thing, although making him feel sick, aided him in keeping at least some resemblance of cool.

Nevertheless, being caught with your mouth attached to that of another boy in a heated game of tonsil hockey and wandering hands in the fifth floor broom closet by Lily Evans was bound to be humiliating for anyone. Of course Lily being the classy girl she was didn't laugh or look disgusted, and more importantly, she didn't tell anyone. Thinking back on it, there had been more than just surprise in her eyes, and Sirius would bet that the little minx was actually turned on by the sight. It was always the quiet ones with the biggest kinks. He also happened to know that she wasn't getting any herself at the moment; she and James had only started dating three weeks ago, and if the rumours (and general knowing of Lily Evans) were true, she was not one to give it up so quickly.

But back to the problem.

Sirius was known throughout Hogwarts as a ladies man, and although there was absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, he did want to try and keep that reputation. Not that he'd actually do anything with the crowds of groupies that followed him at all times, giggling incessantly and trying to feel up his arse. He had no delusions that he was anything besides a guy's guy, he just didn't want everyone else knowing that.

The guy he'd been caught with was a Ravenclaw in the same year who happened to have a nice physique due to his position as one of his Quidditch teams Chaser's since third year. He had dark brown hair that could easily be mistaken as black until the light caught a few strands, and bright blue eyes surrounded by dark, thick lashes that any girl would be jealous of. In Sirius' mind this made him perfect simply because he looked nothing like _him_. None of the men that Sirius had ever had a sexual relationship with had looked at all like him. The rules were simple, they could not have tawny hair, eyes like burnt maple, an often too thin torso, or be a werewolf. As long as they didn't fit into those categories then they were fair game.

It had been that way since fifth year when Sirius had skived off Potions the night after the full moon and come back to the dorms early, then, hearing water running from the bathroom he'd gone to investigate still believing Remus to be in the Hospital Wing. The sight of one's very handsome best friend naked and taking a shower would be enough to make anyone's breath catch in their chest. Seeing one's very handsome best friend naked in the shower fisting himself whilst his face played host to a look of pure ecstasy was enough to make Sirius' knees go weak and a moan rise up in his throat. Feeling sick at the thought of being caught staring he quickly and quietly made his way back out and practically ran down to the common room and through the portrait. Everyone was still in lessons, so he rushed to the nearest boys toilets, slammed the door of a cubicle shut behind him, put up a hasty and sloppy silencing charm, and set about ridding himself of the very hard problem he was dealing with.

That was the day he'd realised he was gay.

It was also the day that he's realised no matter how much he may want Remus he could never have him. He was his best friend and as such was off bounds. As if Moony didn't have enough to deal with, he certainly didn't need a bloke making passes at him, not even mentioning one that he was supposed to be able to trust!

Sirius had made the mistake of sleeping with a man that looked like Remus once the summer before sixth year and the consequences had involved him shouting out a name during climax that was definitely not 'Michael'. Since then he had made sure to steer clear of any Remus look-alikes, even if it was only a tiny similarity, hoping that he could fool himself that he didn't still desperately want the other boy two years on.

Of course Remus had no idea. He was so caught up in studying for exams, helping plan endless pranks against the Slytherins and dealing with the fact that he was a werewolf that he didn't notice the way Sirius stared at him a little more than usual, the way that when their hands touched briefly whilst leaning across the table in the Great Hall Sirius would blush a light pink, and whenever Remus would smile at him Sirius' heart would feel as if it were about to burst in his chest and everything bad went away forever.

The summer before seventh year he had realised he was in love with Remus Lupin.

That epiphany made him even more determined not to screw things up and even more desperate to find someone to take away the emptiness that settled inside him if only for an instance. Because Sirius knew that if he could not have Remus then he could not and would not settle for someone _like_ Remus – it would break his heart eventually if he kept reaching out only to miss the target by an inch. So he only went for those that were nothing like him at all in the hope that he could keep at least a thread of the sanity left to him.

Lily had sought him out the next day and he'd half expected a prefect's rant about curfew and appropriate behaviour. Instead she'd looked at him with eyes full or something like worry and asked him if everything was OK. He'd told her of course it was, and resorting back to his defensive stance of sarcasm and dry humour had added, "wouldn't you be if you'd been hot and heavy with a completely gorgeous guy?" She had turned faintly pink and Sirius had felt a bit guilty, but to give her credit she had held her stance.

"Sirius, you've always kept a large part of you locked away – a secret if you will – but this year it's been more than that. You've been disappearing nearly every night and not talking much during the day, your grades aren't improving so I knew it couldn't be a sudden craving for academia, and, well…that's why I followed you last night." He stared at her for a few seconds before she hurriedly continued. "I'm sorry! I know I shouldn't have and it was wrong, but I had to know you were alright. Everyone's been on edge lately and we've all really hoped you'd talk to us. Remus especially has been going spare."

Of course she couldn't have known what her words did to him. But nevertheless they had an effect – he wanted to cry.

Lily looked at him, her eyes soft and conveying pity. "Is this all because you're gay?" It was barely a whisper and he could tell she wanted to approach the situation carefully.

He laughed. "No. I've known I was gay for a few years now." She looked surprised.

"Oh. Well then, what is it?" Her genuine confusion was obvious and at that moment Sirius had the overwhelming urge to tell her everything, to spill his heart out to someone and feel the weight lift slightly off of his oh so tired shoulders.

But he couldn't do it.

"It's nothing, really. I guess I'm just finally starting to realise that I have to be independent after this year. No more bumming off the Potters." He gave her a grin he hoped was even partially convincing and after a while she seemed to believe him, smiling herself and placing a hand gently on his arm.

"We're all feeling a lot like that. That's why it's important that we talk to one another." She gave him one last smile and a goodbye and left him alone in the corridor.

It hadn't completely been a lie. He did worry about what was going to happen when they left Hogwarts, but his worries usually circled around thoughts of 'What am I going to do when I can't see Remus everyday?' and 'What if Remus finds a lovely girl he wants to settle down with and has lots of beautiful babies and completely leaves me in the dust, my heart torn and bleeding where he's ripped it out without even realising?'

A slight shuffling behind him snapped his attention back to focus and he turned to see who was invading his peace. His breath choked just that little bit the way it always did when he saw Remus.

"Hey," the other boy greeted quietly, the silence of the corridor apparently catching.

"Hey back," Sirius answered trying to build up his pretence of casualness. Remus paused for a moment and bit his lip, his brow furrowed and his slightly too long hair falling over his eyes.

He took a step forward.

"Lily said she was going to come find you. She's worried about you."

"Yeah, she's just gone." Sirius stuffed his hands into the pockets of his robes and marvelled at how awkward this conversation was.

"Sirius, I need to tell you something," Remus blurted out quickly and Sirius felt his heart drop, bypassing his stomach and heading all the way through the floorboards. Remus knew he was in love with him and wanted it to stop. Remus had got himself a girlfriend. Remus had a fatal virus that would destroy him within minutes never giving him the time to tell him he loved him. "I…well, that is to say…you see…no, the thing is…" Remus stumbled over his words, his eyes staring avidly at his slightly worn shoes.

He's just found out he has a disgustingly rich aunt in Timbuktu who wants him to go and live with her and become the heir to her fortunes. He's found religion and is leaving to become a member of a tribe in Tahiti who wear nothing but loin cloths and chant all day. He's decided to find the cure for hippogriff fever and is going into quarantine in order to test out his theories in an underground laboratory.

"Look…there's this thing…you see…no, listen…um, you have to understand…"

"Remus just tell me already!" Sirius shouted, grabbing Remus' shoulders and shaking him slightly. "Are you ill? Are you leaving? Hippogriff fever already has a cure!"

Remus stared at him in shock and looking slightly scared and a lot apprehensive. "Um, no," he said slowly, extracting himself from Sirius' iron-like grip.

"Then what is it?" Sirius asked desperately. Remus looked at him for a few seconds more, his teeth still biting into that ever so kissable lip.

"I kind of think maybe that I could sort of be, I mean that I am…in love with you."

Sirius stared at the same spot and marvelled at how the colour and sound could just rush out of a space like that. 'Wow, they moved really fast,' he thought to himself, 'and it's really quiet! Do you suppose if I spoke the noise would be magnified so loudly it would burst peoples eardrums? That would be cool.' A tune that sounded remarkably like the new Gulping Gargoyles track that Mrs Potter liked so much seemed to begin in his head and his vision was immediately full of brightly coloured flowers. 'So pretty. Oh, look at the butterfly!'

"SIRIUS!"

A booming voice made the dark haired boy jump back to reality with a sudden jolt. For some reason he was lying down and above him were four very big blobs. One with black scribble on top, one with red, one with brown, and one with the loveliest shade of straw he had ever seen. He made to reach out for the shimmering strands like a magpie, but his hand was slapped away by the mean blob with black scribble that seemed remarkably familiar.

"Sirius, what the hell is wrong with you, you utter pillock!" Oh. It was James.

"Nothin's wrong, I'm hunky dory thank you Prongsie my boy. Say, why'm I lying down in the boys dormitories?" He leant up slightly on his elbows.

"Because you went into some kind of trance, and since it's almost curfew we thought we'd do you a favour and make sure you weren't caught out of bounds. Plus, if someone _had_ found you they probably would have shipped you off to St Mungo's. Do you realise you were singing? And swaying? And talking about ruddy flowers and fluffy bunnies or whatever?" Sirius stared at James thoughtfully for a moment (for the blob had now come into focus and it was definitely his best friend) and tried to recall the situation. There had been a blissful state of utopia involving everything beautiful, and before that…before that Moony had told him he loved him! What the hell was he still doing lying down!

Sirius sat bolt upright, eyes wide and glistening. "I love you too, Moony!" he declared extremely loudly before launching himself at the rather surprised boy. Sirius wrapped his arms around the other boys neck before beginning a thorough attack on his lips. After a while he felt Remus hitting him slightly and pulled away grudgingly.

"Sirius…can't breath!" Moony gasped and Sirius immediately let go of his throat.

"Oops, sorry about that," he apologised, but the huge grin on his face showed his insincerity.

"Oh, so that's why you've been so depressed? You've been pining after Remus!" Sirius spun round to face Lily who was looking very smug as though she'd just discovered the meaning of life. "Oh that's so sweet – you've both been hiding your feelings for the other but now that it's all out in the open…" she gave an excited little squeal and looked terrifyingly like she wanted to start jumping up and down and clapping her hands.

"Woh, hold up a minute. Remus, you guys…? Is he still insane 'cos I'll knock him out again if you want," James offered seriously, his face perfectly straight and a strange glint in his eye that made them all think he would really do it.

"No, he's not insane…well, he is, but not about the love bit. I told him I loved him and that's when he went all…weird." Remus cast a cautious look in Sirius' direction and looking away again when he saw the other boy staring back at him adoringly looking very much like the puppy he was.

"Oh, alright then," James replied, dropping down on his own bed.

"There's no need to sound so disappointed!" Sirius snapped, coming out of his second daze of the day.

"Well, I think we should all get out of here and let these two talk. They didn't get to before because of the whole crazy thing. Come on you two." Lily grabbed both James and Peter by the arms and dragged them out of the boys dormitories rather fiercely.

"You're not going to go all giddy again are you?" Remus asked suspiciously as soon as the others were gone. Sirius smiled widely and honestly felt as if his heart was going to burst with utter joy, but he shook his head all the same. "Good, because you were really sort of scary when you did that."

Remus sat down next to Sirius on his bed and took a deep breath. "So."

"So," Sirius echoed.

Two seconds later their lips were joined desperately, their tongues fighting eagerly, and their hands drifting oh so wonderfully without inhibitions.

Thank goodness they didn't have to worry about the wizarding world's prejudices on _this_ one.


End file.
